


Love Hurts

by Estelle4Ever



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Hurt, Mild Language, Unrequited Love, pining!niall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:57:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4920496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estelle4Ever/pseuds/Estelle4Ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall really does love Zayn. He loves Zayn with all his heart. But at the same time, he knows that Zayn will never feel the same way. Not everyone got happy endings. Life wasn't a fairytale.<br/>And as he cries into his pillow at night, he wonders if it was better that way.<br/>He wonders if it is safer, healthier, for him to just keep pining.</p><p>Because Zayn doesn't do the 'forever' type of love.<br/>He will hold on just long enough for Niall to start dreaming about their future, and then he will let go and Niall will shatter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Hurts

It's always been Zayn.

Ever since they first met, first got put into a group on the X Factor, Niall was infatuated by the Bradford Boy. The way his accent rolled off his tongue, the way his smile would light up his caramel-colored eyes, the way he would spend forever in front of the mirror.

Niall would revel in the moments when Zayn hugged him close or pressed a friendly kiss into his hair.

Niall was quite a good actor, really, and nobody noticed the way he would light up when Zayn was around, because he was always bubbly, smiling and happy.

So nobody noticed, and Niall hoped to keep it that way, because it was just an infatuation, and it would pass with time.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It didn't pass.

By the time What Makes You Beautiful came out, Niall's infatuation had grown into a full-blown crush.

Everything about Zayn was perfect. The way he laughed when Niall did something funny, the way he scowled when Louis irritated him. The way he would sing and smile and jump around on stage. The way he would comfort Niall when the blond was feeling homesick, the way he would hug the fans and play with his little sisters.  


And still, nobody knew.  
And still, Niall waited for the crush to fizzle out, for the infatuation to pass.

It never did.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zayn had liked Perrie from the moment they met.

All five of them had adored the girls of Little Mix, in fact, because who didn't? They were sweet and fun and bold. Plus, they had magnificent voices.

But when Little mix won the X Factor, and Niall, Zayn, Louis, Liam and Harry went to congratulate them afterwards, Niall saw something more than friendship blossom between Perrie and Zayn.

It was something that stung, something that felt like a slap to Niall.

It was romance.

It was love.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis found out first.

Niall never expected him to, though. It was sudden and all too fast, the way Louis caught hold of his arm and pulled him into a secluded corner of their tour bus.

"Zayn?" Louis asked softly.

Niall's eyes widened, and he tried to play it off, saying with a laugh, "You need glasses, Lou. I'm Niall, remember?"

But Louis didn't buy it. Not even for a second, "How long, Niall?"

Niall knew it was futile to keep pretending, "Too long."

"Since...he met Perrie?"

Niall shook his head, hating himself for the tears that pooled in his eyes, "Since the beginning."

Niall could see the way Louis reeled, as if he hadn't expected that. Niall waited for more questions, he waited for a lecture about how it wouldn't work. He waited for Louis to scoff and give him a disapproving stare.

Instead, though, Louis put his arms around him, rubbing his back and letting him cry, not complaining when his shirt got soaked with tears.

Niall held on tight, as if his life depended on it, and Louis pulled him close.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry, Liam and Jade found out on the same day, about a year after Louis did.

It was quite a trivial moment, and if the boys hadn't been spending so much time together for the past two years, nobody would have noticed anything.

Little Mix was visiting, and they were all having a good time together. 

Perrie was an absolute sweetheart. Niall could see why Zayn liked her. Surprisingly, Niall himself became very close to her on that day, and he was glad that he had, because she was a really good friend. Niall couldn't bring himself to hate _her _for having Zayn, so he settled for hating what she and Zayn had.__

But out of all the Little Mix girls, Niall felt closest to Jade. She was a proper cutie, as he tweeted later on. She was funny and very adorable and she liked food. She was a lot like Niall, as nearly everybody pointed out.As the two of them exchanged numbers, Jade said quietly, "I see the way you look at him."

Niall recoiled, looking horrified, "Jade-it's not-"

"Yes, it is." Jade said softly, "And, god, you know that Pez and Zayn love each other, and you're putting away all your hurt just because you want them to be happy and- shit, Niall."

"There's nothing I can do." Niall said hollowly, "I'm a good actor, and Pez is great. She really is. And so is Zayn, and they deserve each other, and-"

He was cut off by Jade hugging him tightly, "And you're so brave, and I'm so proud of you."

He hugged her back, "Me and Zee will never happen, you know."

"One day, you'll find someone great." Jade replied confidently, "Because anyone would be lucky to have you."

Niall blushed, "I dunno about that. but can I call you later on? Just to talk? I had a good laugh with you girls today."

"Definitely." Jade said, "Keep me updated, yeah?"

"Yeah." Niall hugged her again, and he heard a loud squeal.

They pulled away from each other to see Perrie hopping up and down, saying excitedly, "Omigod, you two are perfect together, this is so, so cute!"

Jade gave Niall a grin, and Niall chuckled, waving goodbye as the four girls piled into their car and drove back to their hotel room.

Later, Zayn slung an arm around Niall as they all relaxed on the couch, watching a rerun of _Friends._

Niall melted into his touch instantly.

"So..." Zayn said, cocking his head, "You and Jade, huh?"

Niall stiffened ever so slightly, and Louis was eyeing him sympathetically, and Liam and Harry looked confused by the general reaction.

"No." Niall finally said in a monotonous voice.

Zayn grinned, "You wound me by lying, Nialler. You two are cute. We should do a double date sometime, you, Jade, me and Pezza."

Niall flinched, thinking that this was definitely not what he needed, but before anyone could speak, Zayn's phone rang.

It was obviously Perrie, because Zayn's entire face lit up, and he practically leaped from the couch and hurried to a different section of the bus for privacy.

Niall stared after him, eyes blank and expressionless, and Louis took Zayn's place next to him, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"You...and..Zayn?" Harry said slowly, as if all the pieces were falling into place.

Oh. Wait. They were.

"But." Liam stared at Niall with wide eyes, "How long?"

God, Niall couldn't deal with this question again, he couldn't bear to tell Liam it's been nearly 2 and a half years, and he still hadn't gathered his shit and moved on.

Luckily, Harry and Liam seemed to realize it.

"Since One Direction?" Harry asked.

Niall thought back to his time in Bootcamp, when he first got a glimpse of Zayn. He remembered taking in every aspect of the boy, remembered smiling fondly when Zayn refused to dance, and listening to his singing with rapt attention. He remembered being infatuated even before they were put into a group together.

"Since before that."

Liam opened his mouth, probably to bombard him with more questions, but Harry shushed him, and Louis sent them a warning look, so they jumped onto Niall's couch and joined in the group cuddle.

And it was then that Niall realized that his infatuation had turned into a crush, and his crush had turned into love.

He was in love with Zayn Malik.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 2013 when Zayn first cheated on Perrie.

It was with an Australian waitress who didn't even know that he had a girlfriend. When she found out, she was disgusted and hurt and furious, of course, but apparently Zayn hadn't even heard from her after their one night stand.

The four boys were the first to find out about his little affair.

"What the fuck?!" Louis bellowed, "What d'you mean 'hot Aussie chick'? What about Perrie?"

Zayn, for his part, looked ashamed and upset and angry at himself, "I don't know, Lou, it just happened, and I wasn't thinking, and afterwards I realized-"

"Don't give us that bullshit." Niall snapped, and Zayn looked up, surprised, as Niall continued, "I spoke to her. The Australian girl. She said that she asked you if you had a girlfriend, and you said no, you selfish bastard!"

Zayn looked as though he had been slapped, but at the same time, he knew that Niall was right.

Louis squeezed the blond's shoulder, and Harry shook his head sadly at Zayn, and Liam took over, beginning his very disapproving lecture.

Niall was furious. Perrie was one of his closest friends, regardless of the fact that she had Zayn. And on top of that, the cheating scandal scared Niall. He tried to imagine if he was with Zayn, and Zayn cheated on him- lied about not seeing anyone so he could sleep with some clueless Australian waitress- and then come back to the tour bus in tears.

Niall wouldn't be able to stand it, because he loved Zayn so much, and if Zayn ever loved him back and then slept with someone else behind his back, Niall would break.

He wouldn't be able to handle it.

He wouldn't be able to handle _Zayn._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the end, Zayn promised Liam- and the other 3- that he would call Perrie and tell her what happened.

He himself said that he would beg for forgiveness and grovel at her feet, because he loved her more than he loved anyone else in the whole world.

So Zayn was in the TV room, having connected his phone to the TV to Skype call Perrie.

Niall, Liam, Louis and Harry were in the 'Couch Room' as they called it, trying hard not to eavesdrop on Zayn's conversation. It was hard, because Zayn was slightly hysterical, so he was quite loud.

"I'm sorry Perrie- I honestly don't know what got into me- I'm an absolute idiot and I'm so sorry and I don't deserve you, but please don't leave me." Zayn begged, "God, Pez, I love you so much!"

Then Perrie spoke, and her voice was soft, so the boys couldn't make out what she was saying.

When Zayn spoke again, his voice was calmer, "I promise, Pez, I won't let you down. I'll be in the bus right after every show. No drinking, no partying, nothing, I will never, ever be so stupid and idiotic and careless, I promise, I will do anything for you. I know you won't be able to trust me for a while, but I'll wait, it's my fault, and even if it wasn't, I'd wait."

Then Perrie said something, and the conversation between them turned to Little Mix's new album, and their voices grew even softer, and the boys couldn't hear anything at all.

Niall's eyes were glassy as he listened to Zayn's declarations of love. He wanted Zayn to love him. He wanted that _so bad._

"It's not fair." He whispered, and all three boys turned to him, "It's not fair. I love him. God, I love him so much. I would do anything for him, and so I'm sitting back and watching him love Perrie, because she's perfect and he's perfect and they're perfect together. I want Zayn to love _me_ \- I've wanted it since we were 16. And I'm such an idiot, I can't even bloody move on in life. And I can't tell him, because then he'll get freaked out and distance himself from me, you know he will, and I'll lose my best friend, too. And- it's not _fair. _"__

Louis's next to him in an instant, rubbing his back like he's always done, "I know." he said softly. 

"And I realized." Niall continued in a choked voice, "That even if Zee did love me- which he doesn't- I wouldn't be able to take it. I wouldn't be able to take _him._ He'd probably cheat on me, and I'm not like Pez, I can't take it all calmly and give him another chance and shit, but I wouldn't have broke it off with him, either, because I fucking love him. I would just break. And it made me realize that it's probably better that he doesn't love me, because I wouldn't be able to handle it. It's safer if I just keep pining, it's healthier for both of us. It sucks for _me _to know that it's better that I'm not dating the fucking love of my life, that we're a match made in hell. It _kills. _"____

Now Liam was on his other side, an arm around his shoulder and a hand drying his tears, "I know." he whispered. 

"And I know I can never have him." Niall looked up at Harry, who was kneeling in front of them, with glassy eyes "I can never have him, and it stings, especially to see him with Perrie. And love- love is supposed to be beautiful, it's supposed to work out. This will never work out, but I still love him, and I feel so stupid. Because eventually, he and Pez will get married and have kids and be happy, and I'll probably meet some girl who'll make me smile. And I'll have fun with her. And I'll trick both of us into thinking it's love and we'll get married, too, and I'll spend the rest of my life pretending I've gotten over Zayn, when in reality I would have just blocked that part of me out."

Harry was crying, too, and Liam was working overtime drying Niall's tears, and Louis's head was on his shoulders, his hands still rubbing soothing circles on his back.

Niall looked down, "It hurts." he whispered, "It hurts _so fucking much."_

Harry leaned forward and pulled the four of them into a little group hug, "I know." he said quietly.

And Niall broke down, tears falling thick and fast, because he couldn't take it anymore, because it _did _hurt, it hurt more than anything he'd ever experienced. But he could never hate Zayn for it, because it wasn't really the boy's fault. He didn't even know Niall was in love with him.__

But Louis was there, not caring if his shirt got soaked from Niall's tears, and Liam was there, calming Niall down, listening to his woes, even if he could be on the phone with Sophia, and Harry was there, ready to sit and cry with him, ready to make him feel better. They were all _there, _and Niall felt a surge of affection for the three of them.__

He pulled them closer, breathing them in, and they squeezed tighter, letting him know without words that they were there for him.

And even through all his anger and hurt and pain, he felt grateful.

So, so grateful.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jade spoke to him the next morning.

"She's hurt." the girl said, "Perrie's really hurt, but the fact that Zayn called and told her- he could have just hidden it- it made her feel like she meant something special to him."

"She does." Niall said, "She means everything to him."

"So do you."

Niall shook his head, even though he knew Jade couldn't see it through the phone, "I mean a lot to him, because we're _mates. _We're _brothers. _" Niall sighed, "God, he would be so disgusted if he knew how I really felt about him."____

"No, don't say that." Jade said in her cute accent, "Here, Niall, I think it's time you went out on a date."

Niall snorted, "With who?"

"I have a friend." Jade said, "She's a Victoria's Secret Supermodel."

Niall perked up, "Really?"

Jade laughed, "Yeah, her names Barbara Palvin. She has the hugest crush on you, Niall, I'm not even kidding. She's in Australia right now, too. In Sydney, like you lot. I'll give you her number, and you can call her and tell her you got it from me. Just ask her out."

"But..."

"Honestly, she's really sweet. And I think you'd get along great. You just need to forget. You need someone to make you smile. She can, I know it. Just ask her on a date and see what happens." Jade said confidently.

"A date where?" Niall said frantically, "What do I say? What does she like-"

"She likes parks and italian food." Jade replied readily, "I'll text you her number. Just do as I say. Trust me."

"I will, only because it's you." Niall said, and Jade chuckled.

"I'll talk to you soon. Bye, Niall."

"Bye, Jade."

Jade texted Niall the number five minutes later, and he took a deep breath and dialed it.

"Hello?" a girl said on the other end of the phone.

"Um, hi. My name's Niall Horan. This is Barbara, right?" Niall asked nervously.

The girl gave a soft shriek, "Oh my god!" then she composed herself and said, "Yeah, yeah, I am. Are you seriously- this isn't a joke or-"

"No, no, no!" Niall said hurriedly, "I got your number from my friend Jade Thirlwall."

"Oh my god." Barbara said, "Wow. You probably think I'm a freak now, don't you?"

"Not at all." Niall chuckled, "I just wanted to know if you're interested in hanging out today?"

Barbara didn't even hesitate, "I'd love to!"

The conversation unfolded pleasantly. After exchanging the details of the date, they got to talking about their careers, and where they'd traveled and things like that. They spoke about music-they had a similar taste- and food, because she liked food just as much as he did.

Barbara was hilarious, as well, and Niall was genuinely smiling by the end of their conversation, "So I'll pick you up tomorrow around 7, yeah?"

"Yeah, I can't wait." Barbara answered, "Bye, Niall!"

"Bye."

After ending that call, he immediately texted Jade, saying, " _Success!!_

She replied with an, " _lol, knew it, she just txted saying she's so excited and happy nd stuff."_

Niall grinned and put down the phone.

He'd never really get over Zayn, but maybe he could try to find someone who made him just as happy.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Direction had had some time off the past few months, and Niall found that seeing less of Zayn made things a tiny bit easier. Even now that they were back on the road, Niall had limited his contact with Zayn a little, and didn't spend as much time with him as he had before.

Jade was right. He'd needed someone to help him see past Zayn a bit. Or, more like, he needed a few months to just pretend he _wasn't _in love with Zayn.__

Barbara was sweet and funny and she made Niall laugh.

Niall hadn't told the other four lads about Barbara. They'd commented on his cheeriness for the past couple of months, but never suspected anything.

So when Zayn bolted into the tour bus in mid-2013 with a newspaper in hand, Niall paled.

"NIALL!" Zayn cried excitedly, "This is in the newspaper, not a tabloid, so it must be true- is this why you've been all happy lately? I can't believe you didn't tell us!"

In the celebrity gossip section was a small article that was titled: NIALL HORAN AND BARBARA PALVIN RELATIONSHIP CONFIRMED.

Niall groaned as the others started making excited exclamations, too.

"I can't wait to tell Pezza about this." Zayn grinned. 

Niall lowered his eyes as Zayn leaned forward and placed a friendly kiss on his temple. All at once, every emotion, every feeling he's ever felt for Zayn came rushing back into his system, the weak barrier he'd used to block it out breaking.

And just like that, he realized that he was pretending. Pretending that Barbara was perfect for him- she was perfect, of course, but not for him- pretending that he had never loved Zayn. He'd been pretending for three months, and with one swift, brotherly display of affection, Zayn had pulled him back to reality. 

Reality was cold. Reality was hard.

Reality hurt.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall managed to keep his relationship with Barbara going for four months after that incident. Then, everything seemed to happen at once.

Niall couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't trick himself, trick Barbara, and lead her on in an endless journey of twisting paths which he'd been pretending was a perfect fairytale. 

Somehow, around the same time, Barbara's career had reached a peak, and she really needed to focus on it. Plus, the distance was hard.

"You understand, don't you?" Barbara asked anxiously.

Niall leaned forward and gave he a tight hug, "Bee, you're one of the most amazing girls ever, and I've had the best time with you, but I totally understand what you're saying. Every time something great happens, we're still going to call each other and we're going to text and stuff, because no matter what, you'll be one of my closest friends, and I'd trust you with anything."

Barbara's eyes filled with tears, "God, you are wonderful, Niall. You're amazing. And you're right. You're one of my closest friends, and it's going to stay that way."

When Niall left her house, he felt calm. He felt at ease. He didn't want to think about what had happened.

He didn't shed a tear until that night when he told the rest of the boys that he and Barbara had ended their relationship.

"It's over." He announced to Zayn, Liam, Louis and Harry.

Zayn gave him a sympathetic look and a hug, and Niall relished the touch, "'S too bad, mate. But it was coming, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Niall nodded, "It was, and we're still friends."

"Good." Zayn stretched and turned to the direction of the exit, "I'm gonna go to the other bus and sleep, yeah?"

They nodded and Zayn left. Niall found it ironic how Zayn always left just when Niall needed him to.

"So." Harry looked up at the blond, "Has it- are you really not upset about it?"

"I couldn't keep tricking her and pretending that it was _real _, plus she had her career..." Niall said.__

"But are you upset?"

Niall thought. For the first time since the break up, he thought of evenings on the phone, laughing and smiling. He thought of hugs and kisses and the knowledge that he had someone to go back to. He thought of how he'd evaded reality for seven months, and how Barbara had been like his safe haven, because he really did like her.

He thought of the fact that he didn't have that anymore. He didn't have _her _anymore.__

The other three had already made space for him on the couch.

He sat down numbly, because he had finally hit the floor, burst his happy little bubble. He was finally back into reality.

"Yeah." Niall finally whispered, "It's hard." 

The other three pulled him close, as was their custom.

He breathed them in and held on.

At that moment, they were all he had.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zayn and Perrie had gotten engaged in August, 2013.

Niall had jumped and shouted and congratulated him and hugged Perrie.

He was happy for them. _He was, he was, he was._

He was happy that they were happy, because they were both amazing and they deserved it.

But he also felt hurt- and that made him feel selfish.

As Zayn and Louis headed to their bus, and Liam, Niall and Harry headed to the other, Niall wondered how he would be able to take it much longer.

That night, he crawled into Harry's bed and cried into his shoulder the entire night. Quiet, broken sobs, so as not to wake Liam.

Liam did wake up at the end, though, and he squeezed into the bunk, too. They could barely fit, but it didn't matter.

Harry and Liam held on to him all night. They stayed awake and quietened his sobs and dried his tears, and Niall received a text at 1:30 AM from Louis, reading, _"It'll b ok. they're happy 2gether, and we're supporting them, but we're there 4 u no mtter what."_

Niall felt a lot of different emotions that night.

"I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember anything." he hiccuped.

Liam squeezed his wrist, and Harry dried a few more tears.

"Then don't." Harry whispered, "Just sleep. Don't think. Don't remember."

Niall tried.

He tried so, so hard.

He was always trying.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2014 was difficult.

Sometimes the boys would go out, get drunk, party and just forget.

Sometimes they would talk and watch movies and listen to music.

In August, Liam, Niall, Harry and Louis stayed in their tour bus watching TV, and Zayn went out to get wasted.

By the time he stumbled back in the company of three bodyguards, he was extremely drunk, and Liam tutted disapprovingly.

"Let's get him to bed." he said sternly, "Thanks Derek, Aaron, Alberto." he added to the bodyguards.

The security gave them a mock-salute and turned back to the Bodyguard Bus, as the boys called it.

"C'mon, Zayn." Harry took Zayn's arm, "You're gonna have a massive hangover tomorrow, be glad it's a day off."

"Yeah, you didn't hook up with anyone, did you?" Louis added.

Zayn swayed slightly, "Nope." he slurred, "Got Pezzy. Love Pezzy."

Niall gave a relieved sigh, "Good." 

Zayn's eyes widened as he took Niall in, "You look like Pezzyyyy." he said in a sing-song voice, "You got blue eyes and blond hair and you're all cute and shit."

Niall flinched. Louis, Liam and Harry stared with wide eyes.

"Are you Perrie?" Zayn poked him and giggled, "Are youu?"

"No." Niall said thickly, "No, I'm fucking not, Zayn, you need to get to bed."

"You _are_ Perrie!" Zayn said in delight, and Niall made a frustrated noise.

What happened next was completely unexpected. Zayn leaned forward and very briefly pressed his lips against Niall's.

Niall froze in shock. Zayn's lips were warm and soft. He tasted like vodka and beer. Then Niall regained his senses and pulled away. He pulled away from everything he'd ever wanted.

"Pezzzz!" Zayn whined.

"I-I'm not-" Niall choked, "I'm not Pez. _Zayn_. Zayn, go to bed."

Louis grabbed Zayn's arm and tugged him to the bunks, "C'mon, Zee, you need to sleep."

When Zayn was out of sight, Niall collapsed onto the couch and buried his face in his hands. He was still numb from the pain, he was still in disbelief.

"Niall?" Harry said softly.

"He fucking kissed me." Niall said. He was shaking.

"Yeah." Liam whispered, "And Niall, you could have taken it all the way. He wouldn't remember in the morning."

Niall shook his head, "Did you see? He-Pez-he wants Perrie. He wants Perrie."

"I know. I'm not saying you _should_ have, I'm saying that you could have. I'm glad you didn't. I'm proud of you Niall."

Harry slipped an arm around his shoulder as Louis walked back into the room.

The Doncaster boy leaned over and gave Niall a hug. He didn't say anything, because he didn't need to. He was there, and that's what mattered to Niall.

Niall sighed heavily, "Can we- can we not talk about this? He won't remember. Let's just pretend it didn't happen."

Louis nodded slowly, "Are you okay?"

Niall shook his head.

"Will you be okay?" Harry asked cautiously.

Niall looked up, "I don't know."

And he really didn't.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zayn didn't remember anything the next morning. All he remembered was taking his first shot in the club.

He stumbled into the kitchen frantically, "Did I- did I hook up with....?"

Niall shook his head, "Nah. You came back and asked for Pez a hundred times till Louis dragged you to your bunk and tucked you in and made you sleep."

Zayn's face lit up, "I didn't- thank _god_.That makes up for the hangover."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely."

Niall downed the rest of his coffee in one go and wordlessly slid Zayn a box of cereal. As he turned to leave, Zayn caught his arm.

"Are you alright? You seem a bit out of it lately." 

Niall stared into Zayn's honey-colored eyes, so full of concern and affection, and sighed. This wasn't Zayn's fault. Zayn didn't know. All Zayn did was care for Niall and love Perrie the way he was supposed to and smash his solos and work hard. He didn't deserve for Niall to block him out completely, not when they were best friends.

"I'm okay. Just a bit of pressure getting to me." Niall said honestly.

Zayn pulled him into a hug, and Niall breathed in the scent of smoke and cologne and _Zayn._

"Just..I'm here, yeah? If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you." Zayn said sincerely, "You're my little brother."

Niall breathed a little heavier, "I know."

"I love you, Niall." Zayn said, "Remember that."

 _But not the way I want you to love me_ , Niall thought.

"I know." he said, "Love you too."

Zayn nodded, satisfied, and let go of Niall's arm.

Niall walked to his bunk, pulling out his phone and calling Jade. He told her about everything, from the kiss to the conversation that had just happened.

"Oh, Niall." Jade finally whispered.

"Yeah. And he honestly thought I was Pez, so don't-don't tell her, okay?"

"I won't. It was an honest mistake. I'm proud of you for pulling away." Jade said, "And Niall, you will find someone soon. You deserve someone amazing. It's like what I told you back when I first properly met you. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Three and a half years." Niall answered, "Wow, yeah, it's been a while. It was just a crush back then."

"And now it's love?'

"Yeah."

"And before that it was...interest? Infatuation?" Jade asked

"Basically."

"And..." Jade said slowly, "And still? I mean, after all this time?"

Niall's breath hitched, and for a moment he found it hard to form words, but Jade waited.

And when he finally could, Niall broke the silence.

"Yeah." Niall said quietly, "After all this time."

"Niall...."

"Nobody said love would be easy. They just made it look that way."

"Yeah." Jade said softly, "Love isn't always easy. Love is....unique."

Neither of them spoke for another moment. After a beat of silence, Niall said, "Jade?"

"Mmhmm?"

Niall wished she was actually there so she could give him a hug as he said brokenly,"Love hurts."

"I know." Jade whispered, "I know, Niall, I know."

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By 2015, everything seemed to be crashing down.. In January, Zayn had started becoming snappy and moody.

By February, he was cold and constantly irritated.

By the end of the month, Niall was scared.

And he wasn't the only one, that was for sure. Harry was something of a nervous wreck, Liam had been spending all his time with Sophia, and Louis was always irritable. Niall was quiet and less chirpy. Zayn was downright unpleasant.

Well, most of the time.

But sometimes, he would cuddle in next to Niall and give him a bud of his earphones and ask him if they could chill together.

He would smile that beautiful smile that made Niall fall for him in the first place, and Niall would smile back, and pretend for a few precious hours that Zayn was his and everything was working out, pretend that everything they had worked for was not breaking right before their eyes.

He should know better, really. He had learnt his lesson about pretending. He had experienced the cold, lonely pull back into reality. Yet here he was, creating another little bubble of happiness. Again. A bubble of deceit and lies and just complete stupidity on Niall's part. A bubble that would burst so soon that Niall would almost forget that it had been there.

"You need to stop." Louis said firmly, one night when they had taken a different bus than the other three, "You need to stop, Ni, I've spoken to Haz and Liam, too, and we think it's unsafe."

"What's unsafe? I'm not _doing_ anything!" Niall replied stubbornly.

"Pretending is dangerous." Louis said, and he was being completely serious. It was times like these that Niall would see the responsible side of Louis, as opposed to the wild prankster. It was at times like these that Niall would remember that Louis was the oldest.

It was at times like these that Niall remembered that Louis had found out first, and had stuck with him the whole way.

"I know." Niall said.

"Especially pretending with Zayn. That's the most dangerous. Because he's been on edge lately. Plus...he doesn't know. He doesn't know that you're pretending." Louis looked Niall in the eye, "He's chilling with you because you're his little brother, as he always says, and you two have always been close. You're mates. You're smiley and chirpy and shit, and Zayn needs someone like that. Haz never talks, I snap too much, and Liam's always with Soph. But you're like sunshine, and Zayn just feels nice hanging out with you, because it's been a while."

Niall didn't speak.

"Niall, you _need to stop pretending_. You need to stop _now_. It's going to hurt more than last time."

And it _was_ a harsh pull back to reality, a harsh reminder that Zayn wasn't his and never would be, but Niall appreciated it, "Okay."

"Okay. Good. You can still hang out with him, of course, but...think of it as what it is. Chilling with your best friend. Don't think-even for a second- that it's something...else." Louis said strictly, sounding oddly like Liam.

Niall's head snapped up, "What? You don't think he can ever love me? The whole idea seems completely ridiculous?"

"Wha- no, no! No, Niall, of course not! It's not like that! I just- I don't want you to get hurt, I don't want to see you fall." Louis said, forcing Niall's face up to look him in the eye.

"I'm already hurt."

"Then I don't want it to get worse." Louis sighed, "It's Zayn, Niall. You've put him on this pedestal, you can see all his good qualities but none of his faults."

Niall opened his mouth to defend himself, defend Zayn, but Louis cut him off, "Everyone has faults. Not just Zayn. I have them, you have them. Haz, Liam, everyone. But you can pinpoint everybody else's. You just...refuse to see Zayn's."

"Like?" Niall snapped, "I know he's moody. I know he's been irritable lately. I know he's been a bit cold. I can see the faults."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

After a beat of silence, Niall asked cautiously, "Lou? Why do you think....why do you think Zayn will hurt me more than someone else would? That's what you think, isn't it?"

Louis nodded, "If you've been pining for say...Haz. And you tell him you've been in love with him, even though you know he doesn't feel the same, what would he do?"

It was obvious, really. "He would cry with me because of how hurt I've been, and apologize for not feeling the same, and then he'd just spend time trying to make me feel better. And he'd still treat me like normal."

"And if it was Liam?"

"He'd want me to talk. He'd want the whole story. He'd ask all the questions. Then he's give me a hug and apologize for not feeling the same and promise we'll always be best friends. Liam's good for cheesy shit like that."

"And if it was me?"

"You wouldn't say anything." Niall said, eyeing Louis, "But you'd still be there. You'd give me a hug. That makes all the difference."

Louis gave him a tiny smile, "And what would Zayn do?"

"He'd edge away. Distance himslef from me. He'd be cold." Niall shuddered, "I can't live with him hating me or avoiding me, Lou. I can't. That's why I haven't- and will never- say anything."

"Okay." Louis nodded, "It's better you don't. The thing is, Niall....Zayn doesn't do forever."

"I- he- what?"

"I mean, even if he did love you, it wouldn't be forever. He'd think it would be. You certainly would think so. But Zayn can't hold on to someone forever." Louis looked Niall straight in the eye, bright blue into baby blue, "I don't know if you'd make it. If he lead you on to dream about forever, and then pulled away."

Niall understood. He understood immediately, "You think it's safer for me to keep secretly wanting him."

"I wish you'd move on, but I know it's not that easy." Louis said honestly, "But....knowing he doesn't love you back hurts, yeah?"

Niall shot Louis a look, "Yeah."

"Then what about believing that he _doe_ s love you, and will forever, only to realize that 'forever' means a couple of years?"

Niall looked down, "I wouldn't...I can't handle it. I mean,if I wouldn't have been able to handle it when he cheated, then would I have been able to keep myself together if he did that? No."

"Exactly."

"But...he and Perrie. Louis, he and Perrie are _engaged_. As in marriage. As in fucking forever."

But when Niall looks up at Louis, he knows that they are both thinking the same things, their minds swirling through moody Zayn, angry Zayn, different Zayn, happy Zayn, yet still landing on one particular thought.

_Poor Perrie._

"I think Zayn will only last a few more years." Louis said, "Zayn...he doesn't like the concept of 'forever'. I reckon they'll get married, have a kid. And when the kid is born, Zayn will realize that it's a lifetime commitment, and he'd freak. So cue the divorce papers."

Niall shrugged, a small voice in the back of his head saying that Zayn might not even settle down to have the kid.

Louis was watching him carefully. Niall raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Nothing." the brown-haired boy said, "I'm just...I'm proud of you, Niall."

Niall didn't reply, so Louis held out his arms, "C'mere."

Niall didn't know what he would do without Louis.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


It happened in March.

Niall never saw it coming. 

None of them saw it coming.

"Leaving?" Niall echoed dubiously, "Like..a break?"

"We're getting a break in April and May." Harry said, "Just hold on for another month-"

"Not-not a break." Zayn wouldn't look anyone in the eye, and just like that, Niall understood.

_No. God, please no._

"I'm leaving. I'm quitting the band."

And Niall was numb, and Louis looked furious and Liam was sinking into a chair, and Harry looked dumbfounded.

"I can't do it anymore." Zayn said in a rush, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you boys, but it's-it's too much right now. Lights and screams and- I just..."

"When're you leaving?" Liam asked. It wasn't angry. Just curious. Upset. Broken.

"After the Hong Kong show- that'll be the last one- I'll fly back home, saying it's a break. On the 25th, they'll release the offical statement." Zayn said.

"And this is- it's all decided?" Louis snapped, "You've talked it out with Simon and management?"

Zayn nodded.

Louis let out a woosh of breath, "What about the fans?"

Zayn didn't speak.

"Is it because of the Australian bar girl they said you slept with? Pez doesn't believe it, does she? If that's the reason, we can straighten it out-" Harry rambled.

"It isn't that, Haz. It's just...everything." Zayn said frustratedly.

"Won't you miss it?"

Zayn shrugged helplessly, "I don't know."

Niall looked up desperately, "Won't you miss _us?_ "

Zayn let out a little sob, and Louis caved and stepped forward to hug him. The others fallowed suit, and then all five of them were hugging and crying.

"Yes." Zayn whispered through tears, "God,yes, I will miss you all so much."

Niall knew it would never be the same again.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Hong King show was the hardest thing Niall had ever done in his life.

Harry cried. Zayn cried. Louis cried.

And when they were changing their outfits for the next song, Liam and Niall cried, too.

When they took their final bow, had their final group hug on stage, Niall felt as if everything was breaking.

When Zayn sang the last notes of Best Song Ever, and then said, "We've been One Direction, thank you very much.", Niall could see everything crash.

When Zayn took one last look at the crowd before the boys exited the stage together- for the last time- Niall felt himself shatter, too.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall felt a sense of relief when the official statement was released.

No more lying to the fans. No more pretending that Zayn would come back- although Niall kept hoping in vain that he might.

But at the same time, when management took away the fifth mic stand they had been keeping for Zayn during soundcheck and motioned for Niall to sing Zayn's solo in Night Changes, Niall realized that he just couldn't.

It hit him hard. He wasn't covering for Zayn during his night of absence. Zayn was gone, he wasn't coming back, and this was _Niall's_ solo now.

He was _taking Zayn's place_.

He broke down, and then so did the other three, because it was hard for all of them

For the first time, management let them hug and cry without saying a word about timing and distractions.

When Niall looked closer, he could see that the Always Angry Clipboard Lady wasn't angry.

Niall squinted harder, and realized that she was crying, dabbing at her tears with a handkerchief, because all these people had been there from the beginning, too.

When the soundcheck man ordered them to take two, Niall took a deep breath and sang Zayn's solos perfectly.

He sang Zayn's solos perfectly at every show, every night. He sang for the fans, who were in as much pain as the boys were. He sang for Louis, Liam and Harry, who had been there for him through everything. And most of all, he sang for love. Unrequited, painful love.

He sang for Zayn.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you see their Twitter feud?" Liam asked in a low voice.

Niall nodded. He knew what Liam was talking about. The Louis-Zayn-Naughty Boy shit that was going on.

"All Lou did was defend our fans!" Harry said hotly, "And then Shaahid insulted them and Zayn insulted Lou! What the actual fuck?"

"Are you gonna tweet sides?" Liam asked hollowly, "The rest of the world is."

Harry shook his head. Niall pulled out his phone.

"What?!" squawked Liam.

"Not taking sides, exactly." Niall assured him, scrolling through his Twitter feed. He thought of Zayn, perfect, beautiful Zayn, whom he still loved after all these years.

And then he thought of Louis, loyal, steady Louis, who had been his shoulder to cry on, his pillar of support ever since the beginning.

He typed out, " _My name is niall and I love louis._ "

He, Liam and Harry exchanged a glance, doubtful and uncertain.

Then Niall remembered how Louis would stay awake all night to make sure Niall was okay, how he'd sit and talk to Niall during their breaks, how he'd make sure he was by Niall's side no matter what. And then Niall felt no doubt, no regret, no uncertainty.

He hit tweet.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niall finds out from Jade.

"Are you doing okay?" Niall asked her, "Is Zayn at Perrie's right now?"

Jade didn't respond immediately, so Niall said curiously, "Jade?"

"Niall...didn't you hear? Don't you know?"

"Don't I know what?"

"He texted her last night." Jade whispered, "Me and Jesy have been at her house all of today, and Leigh-Anne has just flown back in. She landed three hours ago"

"What? Why?"

"He broke it off."

To say that Niall was shocked was an understatement, "The-the engagement?"

"The engagement, the relationship, everything."

"In a _text?_ "

"Yeah." Jade said quietly.

"Fuck. He didn't even let us know. We had no idea, and- fuck. _Pez_. Perrie. Is she-?"

"No. She's not okay." Jade said shakily, "She's been crying nonstop, she didn't see it coming at all, it was so sudden. They were so happy, and then.."

"Oh, god." Niall whispered.

"Like, imagine that you're with someone, and you think it'll be forever. They've promised you forever. And you've been happy, and suddenly you get a text message saying it's all off, and you can keep the house, no problem." Jade said, sounding broken.

"I- I don't know what to say."

"I know."

"I want to call her. When can I?"

"Some time next week, I think." Jade said sadly, "She's not okay now, not in the right frame of mind at all."

Niall sighed dejectedly, "What is he _doing_? Quits the fucking band, breaks it off with Pez, posts shirtless pics of him smoking...he won't answer my calls. If one of us call from our phones, he won't pick up. If I call from an unknown number, he answers instantly. I'm scared, Jade. I'm scared for him, I don't know what he's trying to achieve, but..." Niall's eyes widened as he spoke the next words, as he remembered his conversation with Louis from what felt like so long ago, "Zayn doesn't do forever."

"Yeah." Jade agreed softly, "I figured. Not for Perrie, not for One Direction. Forever isn't an option for him."

"Can I tell the lads? About the..."

"I think you'll have to."

"I'll go now. See ya, Jade. And tell Pez...just tell her we're there for her, okay?" Niall asked.

"Okay."

And the conversation was over with that, and Niall was storming furiously to where the other three were playing FIFA.

"Oi, what's got you all worked up, Nialler?" Louis asked.

"That BASTARD!" Niall bellowed. Liam looked up with wide eyes. Harry nearly fell off the couch. Louis paused the game.

"Who?" Harry asked worriedly.

"Fucking ZAYN!" Niall hissed.

"What's he done now? Given you shit on Twitter?" Louis asked, "Just ignore it, that's what-"

"It is NOT shit on Twitter!" Niall said menacingly, "That idiot went and he- he-"

"He?" Liam prodded.

" _HE FUCKING BROKE UP WITH PERRIE!_ " Niall exploded.

Their reactions were the same as his.

"How-how-" Liam said, stunned.

"In a fucking _text message_." Niall growled, "I found out from Jade about five minutes ago."

Louis was furious and Liam was stunned and Harry was obviously hurt, "Poor Pez. And Zee didn't even let us know."

Apparently, that was how things worked now.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zayn appeared in their tour bus after their London show at the O2.

It was completely unannounced, so of course, the moment he turned up, it was all emotions flying everywhere.

Louis was shouting obscenties and Liam was disapproving of all of them, and Harry as crying and Niall was hugging Zayn.

By the time they managed to sit down and actually talk, it was quite late in the night, but no one cared.

"Why're you here?" Niall asked.

"Missed you all too much." Zayn replied truthfully.

They didn't talk about Zayn quitting, they didn't talk about Perrie (Lou had finished shouting at him about that). They didn't talk about the new album, or Drag Me Down, or about RCA Records and the 'real music' hashtag.

Somehow, it was still okay.

"Missed you too. Anyone know you're here?" Harry asked. Niall's not surprised when Zayn shook his head.

"Ever feel like it was a bad choice?" Louis asked conversationally, "Leaving?"

Zayn shook his head again, and Louis sighed, "Gonna go make us some tea."

"I'll come." Harry offered.

As the two of them left for the kitchen, Liam's phone started ringing. "Soph." he muttered happily, retreating to his bunk, telling them hurriedly that he'd be back in fifteen minutes.

It was just Niall and Zayn. _How ironic_ , Niall thought.

There was a small silence, in which Niall just looked at Zayn. Took in every breathtaking aspect.

Zayn was obviously waiting for Niall to say something. To yell or shout, or turn away angrily.

Niall didn't.

"FIFA?" he asked, tossing Zayn a controller.

Zayn's entire face lit up, and he smiled the way Niall loved it. It made his eyes crinkle, and it showed his teeth, and it made him look so, so gorgeous. Niall was in love all over again, more forceful than it had ever been. He needed Zayn's love, but he would never get it. Still, Zayn was beaming, and Niall could feel the happiness radiating from him.

"Yeah." Zayn said happily, "FIFA."

And Niall thinks that maybe, just maybe, Zayn's friendship is enough for him.  
Maybe it would all be okay, because love hurts no matter what, and if he could deal with it for five years, he could deal with it for another ten.  
He had Louis and Harry and Liam. And he had Zayn.

Because maybe Zayn's friendship was enough, if Niall could still make his caramel-colored eyes light up.

Maybe Zayn's friendship was enough, so long as he could make Zayn's face break into the beautiful smile that he had first fallen in love with.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> My second story is here. It has the same concept as my first one, but this is basically how it would be if Niall had been pining for Zayn all these years. It completely coincides with the real One Direction Timeline.
> 
> I hope you liked it!
> 
> -Estelle


End file.
